I'm having a psychosomatic dysfunction. That means, whenever my soul or mind are burdened, my body is carrying the fight. Not because I'm doing this to me, it just happens. I can't sleep, I'm feeling queasy, I'm losing orientation, I'm having hallucinations. I'm literally getting sick, "just" because there's something my psych can't handle.
When I'm gone, I don't like myself. Not because I deserve it, but because I take everything from outside to my heart. I feel alone, because noone understands me, noone shares my thought, noone actually tries to feel me. I feel like crying, sob and suffer, and suddenly it's gone. I feel nothing but misunderstanding about myself. Until I feel wild sadness again.
And you go through all that happend during the last days but nothing actually explains, why you're feeling wild sadness or anger. You just cry out of nothing, so long until your tears are dried and there is only one clear emotion, that seems to kick you through your back right in your eyes.
I don't sit in my dark room and listen to metal. I usually wander around my aparment, desperatly searching for something to do, but nothing helps for long. I like sitting on the balcony. Don't ask me why, I just do. Maybe it's the air. It helps, because I feel tired all the time. Like I've run a marathon.
When life makes no sense, leaving seems like the only solution. It's not happening very often. But when it happens it strikes very hard.
Most times I'm not unhappy. But I'm not happy as well. It just feels like something needs to happen. It always feels like something is missing and I don't know what it is.
I'm getting help, but of course it needs time.
Why am I writing about this? Beyond my troubles, I'm a a very confident person. I can speak and talk about my state and handle the looks. I'm not insane and I don't feel like I need to be pitied in any way. You might wonder, but I don't think everyone should go around, telling everybody if they're ill or being in therapy. If you can't handle the looks, you'll get sometimes, the pity and the obligatory dialogue:
"But you're better now?"
"No. Working on it."
"Hm ... good luck with that." And than trying to change the subject.
If you can't handle this, you shouldn't tell people. It's your decision!
Don't get me wrong! I'm not like: "Oh, nice to meet you! By the way, I'm having a dysfunction!" I'm sure it'll be a conversation starter, but still ... when it comes to topic, I'll talk about it normally, but I don't need to throw it on people.
The reason I am like I am is really strange and I guess I'm quite unique with it and I don't need to share it here.
But I'm still here. 2 years later I'm still here. And that's a point, that wasn't always so sure. I'm happy about it, even when I'm having bad days.
I'm sharing my thoughts, because I know there are lots of people like me. Who don't know theirselves anymore. Strong, independet people, who just sometimes want to crawl in their bed and hope the world will forget about them. People, you would never think to be like that.
Don't listen to: "Get it together."
They don't understand, that getting it together is nothing else but pushing it down.
Don't listen to : "You gotta go out! Meet people!"
They don't understand. They think you're not feeling well, because you're not going out. They don't understand you're not going out, because you're not feeling well. Yes, there's a difference.
Don't listen to: "Think about something nice."
They don't understand, that sometimes you can't remember about the last nice thing that happened.
Don't listen to: "All you need is time."
Sometimes you need help, you'll get over your thoughts on your own. Or you'll die.
Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault.
Not doing anything is.
It gets better with time!
And I know most of you don't like to hear it, because you ask yourself how long you have to wait until there's a solution. I still ask myself from time to time.
I'm not very good with words, but you gotta try. Sometimes it's going to be hard and sometimes you'll lose courage.
As long as you live, it's alright.
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